>I am going back to the states two weeks from tomorrow and I have these weird, conflicting emotions about going home that I don’t know what to do with.
Most of me is extremely excited and counting down the days. For the past couple months, whenever I hear someone from home talk about their life or see pictures of people back home, my heart breaks a little. There is a part of me that wants that normal life with normal people and normal happenings so badly. So I am looking forward to being back in the states and pretending like my life is normal again for a little while. I can’t wait to see my family, my friends and my dogs. I am looking forward to eating American food and being overwhelmed by the fact that I can understand almost everything being said around me. I am excited about walking into a grocery store and being able to read the signs and ingredients on bottles. I am looking forward to Doritos and Taco Bell. I am really looking forward to sleeping, alot.
But there is a small part of me that is nervous about going home and that part seems to grow a little bigger each week. It is hard to explain and it doesn’t make much sense but I have a fear that I will no longer fit in, that I have been gone too long to slide back into the place where I used to belong. This life and this ministry that I am living in Thailand has changed me a lot and I worry that maybe it has changed me too much. What if I think too differently from those back home? What if I communicate differently now and we can no longer understand eachother? What if I can’t remember the English word for something? What if I talk too slow out of habit and people laugh at me? What if the culture shock is just too overwhelming and I want to hide and not go outside?
What if I love it so much that I don’t want to come back to Thailand?