>What if I’ve changed too much?

>I am going back to the states two weeks from tomorrow and I have these weird, conflicting emotions about going home that I don’t know what to do with.

Most of me is extremely excited and counting down the days. For the past couple months, whenever I hear someone from home talk about their life or see pictures of people back home, my heart breaks a little. There is a part of me that wants that normal life with normal people and normal happenings so badly. So I am looking forward to being back in the states and pretending like my life is normal again for a little while. I can’t wait to see my family, my friends and my dogs. I am looking forward to eating American food and being overwhelmed by the fact that I can understand almost everything being said around me. I am excited about walking into a grocery store and being able to read the signs and ingredients on bottles. I am looking forward to Doritos and Taco Bell. I am really looking forward to sleeping, alot.

But there is a small part of me that is nervous about going home and that part seems to grow a little bigger each week. It is hard to explain and it doesn’t make much sense but I have a fear that I will no longer fit in, that I have been gone too long to slide back into the place where I used to belong. This life and this ministry that I am living in Thailand has changed me a lot and I worry that maybe it has changed me too much. What if I think too differently from those back home? What if I communicate differently now and we can no longer understand eachother? What if I can’t remember the English word for something? What if I talk too slow out of habit and people laugh at me? What if the culture shock is just too overwhelming and I want to hide and not go outside?

What if I love it so much that I don’t want to come back to Thailand?


5 thoughts on “>What if I’ve changed too much?

  1. >We had a missionary, Jon Liles, visit at the office a couple of months ago. I went to college with him and knew him through his internship. He was born in Indonesia to American missionary parents. He continues to live in Indonesia, now with his wife and children. He is more Indonesian than American in every way. It makes me love him all the more. His slower English, his struggle with remembering English words, his Indonesian ways. They just show how deeply he is committed to his work and his call. It will be same with you – whether you stay in Thailand or go to Timbuktu, you will always be core part of the culture you serve. Its God’s gift to you to allow you to work across the world. Imagine if you get called the deep south in the US. You will talk funny and be very slow! LOL

  2. >America is great, life is “ordinary” here and you eventually start talking faster and stop saying (oooh) to everything. But, let me tell ya, there’s nothing like being a part of something like The Centre. There’s nothing like knowing that every day you are making a very real difference and seeing the lives changed around you and seeing your own life changed so much as you become more Christlike. When we first came back the rush and excitement of being able to get a Dr pepper fountain pop and nip into Target kept us going for a while. But there’s nothing like being a part of full-time ministry that keeps you going a long time after those types of things run out. Wouldn’t you agree, Rach?

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