>To My Friends In San Diego

>Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but being totally unsuccessful because my brain was spinning on all the details of my trip to the states in a few days. I was thinking about my friends and how I have really amazing friends in San Diego that I am so anxious to see and I remembered something that happened a little while ago.

Warning: You are about to take another venture into my vulnerable ramblings about my counseling appointments. (I know that most people are ashamed of counseling and find it odd that I freely share my thoughts about it on this blog, I just can’t help but be amazed at the things I learn there.)

At my first appointment back in September, my counselors and I just got to know each other and didn’t really go too deep into my life. So as I drove to my second appointment, I gave myself a little pep talk. I knew that the appointment was going to dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings and would probably be be a little difficult and painful. I told myself that I couldn’t cry when talking about my life. My defense mechanism is not to cry because I once I start, I am afraid that I won’t stop. So I told myself just to be strong and get through the appointment. I sat there talking to my counselors about the hard things in my life that have made me who I am today. We talked about family issues and my sister’s death and I didn’t shed a tear. I was strong and I was proud of myself. Then my counselor asked me a question about my friends in San Diego and suddenly I started to cry. I tried to stop but I couldn’t and I could not talk because I was crying too much. My counselor said that it was okay because she understood why I was crying. I thought this was amazing because I didn’t even know why I was crying and I managed to ask her why, through my tears. She said that I probably felt like over the past year and a half, I have not only lost my sister but my friends also. She said that I was grieving the loss of those relationships because even though they were still there, they had changed enough for me to feel loss. At this point I started crying even harder and through my tears managed to croak out how wonderful my friends are and how I felt blessed beyond measure to have them in my life and how I missed them every day. We talked through my feelings a bit and I left my appointment but for the rest of that day, every time I thought about my friends, I started to cry again.

It all comes down to this: I love you guys more than you will ever know and I often wish I was in San Diego with you guys. God has to kick me in the butt on a very regular basis and remind that I am being selfish and need to stop thinking so much about what I want. So, although I suck at keeping in touch, please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t wait to see you all in a few days! You are the best friends a girl could ask for!


4 thoughts on “>To My Friends In San Diego

  1. >Jen..I get what you mean. I don’t think people should be ashamed of counseling and yet, there are folks (even in Cali) who make us feel sick when we are just hurting. We love you so much. Gayla announced at yesterday’s staff meeting that you were going to be at the Christmas luncheon. Let me tell you – she (and the rest) were pretty excited. Counting the days. Safe travels for you.

  2. >I’ve had numerous moments of utter WEEPING at the thought of leaving people behind in San Diego if/when I go to Uganda. So, friend, you are not alone, and I can’t wait to see you when I get back from Thanksgiving!!!

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