>Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but being totally unsuccessful because my brain was spinning on all the details of my trip to the states in a few days. I was thinking about my friends and how I have really amazing friends in San Diego that I am so anxious to see and I remembered something that happened a little while ago.
Warning: You are about to take another venture into my vulnerable ramblings about my counseling appointments. (I know that most people are ashamed of counseling and find it odd that I freely share my thoughts about it on this blog, I just can’t help but be amazed at the things I learn there.)
At my first appointment back in September, my counselors and I just got to know each other and didn’t really go too deep into my life. So as I drove to my second appointment, I gave myself a little pep talk. I knew that the appointment was going to dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings and would probably be be a little difficult and painful. I told myself that I couldn’t cry when talking about my life. My defense mechanism is not to cry because I once I start, I am afraid that I won’t stop. So I told myself just to be strong and get through the appointment. I sat there talking to my counselors about the hard things in my life that have made me who I am today. We talked about family issues and my sister’s death and I didn’t shed a tear. I was strong and I was proud of myself. Then my counselor asked me a question about my friends in San Diego and suddenly I started to cry. I tried to stop but I couldn’t and I could not talk because I was crying too much. My counselor said that it was okay because she understood why I was crying. I thought this was amazing because I didn’t even know why I was crying and I managed to ask her why, through my tears. She said that I probably felt like over the past year and a half, I have not only lost my sister but my friends also. She said that I was grieving the loss of those relationships because even though they were still there, they had changed enough for me to feel loss. At this point I started crying even harder and through my tears managed to croak out how wonderful my friends are and how I felt blessed beyond measure to have them in my life and how I missed them every day. We talked through my feelings a bit and I left my appointment but for the rest of that day, every time I thought about my friends, I started to cry again.
It all comes down to this: I love you guys more than you will ever know and I often wish I was in San Diego with you guys. God has to kick me in the butt on a very regular basis and remind that I am being selfish and need to stop thinking so much about what I want. So, although I suck at keeping in touch, please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t wait to see you all in a few days! You are the best friends a girl could ask for!