>I wish there were an age where you figure life out and understand yourself and those around you. Like maybe that age could be 40 and on days when life is dragging me down and completely confusing I could say, “Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense.” Those hard days would be so much easier to endure.
I can’t seem to get control over my thoughts lately. I am over analyzing everything, making things more difficult than they need to be and worrying. I have been getting an average of two hours of sleep per night because I cannot turn my thoughts off. About once a week I crash and sleep for 12 hours straight because I am so exhausted and then I go back to about two hours a night. When I do sleep, I have crazy dreams about losing things like my dog, my purse or my boyfriend (I don’t even have a boyfriend) and I spend hours looking for them.
I am currently trying to make a decision about going back to the states this summer and I am thinking about it way too much. My family is going a camping trip this summer for ten days and I am going to join them. I am very excited about being with my parents, sister, grandma and nephews for that time! I haven’t seen my nephews in almost two years so I am especially excited about seeing them. While I am in the states, I am going to try and speak at churches and raise support for myself and The Centre. *If you go to a church that supports missionaries and might be interested in having me visit, let me know and I would love to come!*
The past few months, I have been feeling very mentally, physically and spiritually burnt out and I think that I would like to take some time for myself while I am away. A couple friends suggested going home for 6 months or so and recuperating. 6 months seems SO long though so they suggested 4 months. But even 4 months seems too long. I’m worried about several things happening during that time. 1) I am afraid that I will feel too disconnected when I do return to Thailand and in a sense will have to start over. 2) I am afraid that being away from this life I love will cause me to fall back into the depression that I fight against every day. I guess I am afraid that I am not strong enough. 3) I am afraid that I either won’t want to or will be afraid to return. 4) I am afraid of disappointing God, myself and my supporters by being away from the ministry for too long. So, right now I am thinking of being in the states for 3 months. I will take a month and a half to two months raising support and a month for myself. My parents love the idea of me spending a month with them and I love the idea as well. But I just don’t have peace yet.
I have a feeling that I am just thinking about it too much. Maybe I need to pray, make a decision and stick with it. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal and it might not make sense to you, but I know that leaving Thailand for any significant amount of time will change my life. So I stress and I worry and I cry out to God and I lay awake at night for hours when I should be sleeping.
Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense.